While packing for the trip, I feel a certain sadness. Exactly one month ago, mom picked me up at the airport and I was so happy to tell her right away: “Mom, I am going to visit a good friend in Europe. I am invited.” Mom helped me to meet a load of required documents for the visa application when I told her that I need to prove my sufficient finance. As usual, she is always willing to support what I need. Mom is a simple and caring person.
"Tell me what happened to you?" Mom saw me crying miserably in my room though I tried to hide my tears. Just like a sudden rain, I was unable to stop the falling tears.
"Mom, please don’t tell everyone that I am going to Europe. I am under pressure. I will not go anywhere." I cried and said. Every relative I talked to knew about my trip. "You’d better stay home, find a job, find a husband…blah blah…" I felt no air to talk about it. I was not sure anymore that I still wanted to go.
"Tell me, if you still keep silent and cry so much like this, my heart can’t bear and I would die. Tell me. Is there something wrong with the friend you told me? Did you meet online? You shouldn’t trust online relationships." She sensed something as a mother does. I never told her.
"I don’t know. I don’t have any answer. My friend is a good person." I really didn’t know. But it hurt so much more because I rather dealt with my own problems instead of making mom sad and worried. I couldn’t find any shoulder to lean on and to let go of this life crisis. I felt myself very small and totally releasing in her caring and love. She is my mom.
"You are a crazy girl. Why don’t you choose to live simply?" I want a simple, meaningful and interesting life. Probably I just have a different definition of living simple or a minimal life.
"I am 30sth and still directionless. Take a deep breath. Get up. Stand up."
The storm was gone. I took mom to go shopping and to eat out.
Nothing to be proud of. You can make up many good words to describe yourself. It can be true or not true. I wonder if I am struggling on the road because I haven’t settled until I find what I love. Maybe I can find what I love in Europe?